The Non-Sexual Intimacy Meme

[enticingly]

Intimacy is NOT necessarily about full sexual contact. Intimacy is all about two people forming a connection and bond between them. That involves becoming best friends, trusting each other, knowing each other, understanding each other. Intimacy is grown and developed, it can't be rushed.

Nonsexual forms of intimacy can add a great deal of depth and variety to fiction. On one end of the spectrum, they provide extra steps to support the journey from meeting a potential mate through romance, sex, and marriage. In the middle, they convey the import of family and professional connections, distinguishing those from more casual acquaintances. On the other end, they form much of the glue in primary relationships for people who don't base their ties on sexuality. Sex and romance are valuable, but they're not everything.

RULES
-Comment with your character. Be sure to include preferences (ie, f/f for shipping, OTA for gen, etc)
-Tag others!

PROMPTS
1. Hair care. Brushing, braiding, washing, cutting -- all of these involve a lot of careful touching in ways that many people enjoy. Hair braiding is a bonding experience in some cultures. In fact, grooming is a bonding technique for social primates in general. People without close ties to others often treat themselves to regular salon visits as a socially acceptable way to meet the need for touch and interaction.

2. Shaving. This involves an unusually high level of trust, especially if the person is using a straight-edge razor or something else with an exposed blade rather than just a buzzer. Although it can apply to women, shaving is one of the few forms of physical intimacy that is most closely associated with men due to their facial hair. Initiaton into shaving is a major milestone for becoming a man, not just for boys during puberty but also for transsexuals during transition.

3. Bathing. This varies by culture; in America most people bathe alone but some other cultures practice communal bathing. A bath is usually more intimate than a shower, although a public bath can be non-intimate and small shower stall can be intimate. It's also different when two people wash each other (an exchange of intimacy and affection) than when one person washes someone else (more of a caretaking or protective gesture).

4. Feeding. A classic romantic motif involves lovers feeding each other, but it works as a way of providing and caring for someone in any context. Like bathing, it can also clue whether both parties are participating equally or one is taking care of the other (temporarily or regularly). This one has an existential flavor since survival depends on food supply.

5. Seeing someone without their adaptive equipment on. This includes glasses, dentalware, prosthetic limbs, a wheelchair, etc. Adaptive equipment is part of one's presentation to the everyday world, and taking it off can be as intimate as removing clothing, for many people in many contexts.

6. Holding Hands. There can be many reasons for this gesture. Physical closeness, offering comfort, or staying together in a crowd, all may have you reaching for someone.

7. Undressing someone. This can be kind of a one-way experience if the recipient isn't awake, and is often awkward for both people if they are awake. Sometimes it happens because hands are out of commission, but a more common example is someone passing out drunk. Overheating is another good reason. Different circumstances can imply different levels of intimacy.

8. Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.

9. Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.

10. Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.

11. Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.

12. Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.

13. Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.

14. Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.

15. Putting someone to bed. Interestingly, this activity can happen among people who are just getting to know each other -- most often if someone passes out drunk, but exhaustion can have a similar effect. It's a gesture of caring to put someone to bed rather than leave them where they drop. A milder version involves draping a blanket or coat over a person asleep on a couch or the like.

16. Sleeping in the same bed. This is an act of shared vulnerability and intimacy. Lovers customarily do this; so do some siblings or friends, especially as children. People may also be driven to share a bed, sleeping bag, etc. for warmth or lack of other accommodations in challenging circumstances.

17. Watching someone sleep. There is more vulnerability on the part of the sleeper, and more intimacy from the watcher, when only one person is asleep. Parents often watch their children sleep. Lovers sometimes do this with each other, which can be cute or creepy. It's also a guard position, useful for showing that one character seeks to protect another.

18. Waking someone up from a nightmare. A subtler form of rescue than more physical actions, this is still a gesture of protection and caring. It often leads to comfort afterwards. A typical courtesy between parent and child, or lovers, this can also be an early threshold for characters thrust together unexpectedly if one of them has sturdy daytime walls and a lot of issues. It is common, but often unspoken, among war buddies or veterans, many of whom have nightmares.

19. Sharing clothes, jewelry, other personal items. This is common between siblings or close female friends. Sometimes roommates do it too. Wearing someone else's shirt or bathrobe is typical in romantic relationships, so can suggest a similar level of intimacy even in the absence of sex.

20. Cleaning someone else's living space. This shows care and knowledge on the part of the cleaner, and trust on the part of the recipient. You have to know what NOT to throw away or move. It's typical of family members and roommates. Coworkers may clean each other's desk, office space, etc.

21. Living together. This is a big step, even if it's just for a little while. Housemates are in each other's pockets; it's hard to keep secrets. Family members and lovers often live together, but housemates who are family-of-choice form a category of their own. If you don't want a romantic partner, a permanent housemate is a good choice for someone to share your life with.

22. Childbirth. Attending the blessed event entails providing a lot of moral support for hours under high stress. It can create a bond with the baby as well as with the mother. When planned, this opportunity is only offered to the closest family members or friends, barring professionals. But it can happen by surprise in very awkward circumstances, a popular motif in fiction.

23. Saving someone's life. Quick action in a life-threatening situation demonstrates how much one person values another. This can create a strong sense of connection, and sometimes obligation. It often, though not always, entails personal risk for the rescuer. This is fairly typical for military buddies or police partners, etc.

24. Risking your life for someone. Placing someone else ahead of your own life shows their importance to you unequivocally. This often, though not always, involves trying to save or protect another person. While it can create a sense of gratitude, it frequently causes anger as well -- someone who loves you will generally object to you endangering yourself, even to protect them. Military and police buddies protect each other regularly.

25. Making emergency decisions for someone. This reveals both how well you know the person, and how much you care about them -- whether you know what they would want, and act on it even if it differs from your personal preference. Unlike some of the other options, in this one the initial action is often outweighed by the aftermath. Both characters have to deal with the results of the decisions, good or bad.

26. Deathwatch. Dying can be as intimate as giving birth. Staying with someone while they pass is an act of love; so is providing moral support to someone sitting deathwatch for a family member or other person. Many soldiers and police have done this for someone.

Comments

19

[weirlind]

[For the most part, Jack doesn't really pay attention to the little things. Take clothes for instance. Ellen's smaller than him, sure, but sometimes they wear the same kind of clothes. Plain t-shirts, jeans. When she dresses up, though, that... Is definitely something to look at.

Which is exactly what he's thinking of when he bends down to scoop up a shirt from his floor and tugging it on. It's a little tight, especially around the shoulders and arms. He frowns.]

I think I need to buy new clothes again.

Re: 19

[legbreaker]

Ellen is lounging on his bed like she owns, hair still messy from sleep (amongst other things), head tilting slightly to one side to get a better view of him as he moves around the room.

She spots the problem almost immediately. Mostly because the shirt he's looking for is actually on her at the moment, the first thing she'd grabbed when she'd decided it was too cold the night before.

She's not going to mention that, though. She can sacrifice a shirt for entertainment] What else is new? You go through them like once a week. You know more muscles don't mean more skill, right?

[weirlind]

[He's flexing a bit, not to check himself out or to show off, but more in the hopes that the shirt will magically stretch itself out and fit him better. He doesn't even need for it to be loose.] I'd cool it on the weights then. You're not fooling anyone.

[He tosses a grin at her before tugging on the collar.] Mom is not going to like this.

[legbreaker]

[Ellen just rolls her eyes, aiming a solid kick at his thigh. There's no pulling back, not between the two of them.]

I don't know. She might be able to see the funny side. [She makes sure her tone isn't too amused. She could totally be talking about the funny side of him outgrowing his clothes.]

[weirlind]

[Jack grabs her leg before her foot can do any real damage, tugging her none too gently to the edge of the bed with a smirk.]

It's not really funny to keep spending my whole paycheck on new clothes. [You're so unhelpful, Ellen.]

[legbreaker]

[Ellen grunts, only letting him tug her closer because - well. She likes to be closer. But once she reaches the edge of the bed, a sharp tug of her own pulls her foot from his grasp. She tugs at the edges of his shirt, pulling it down over her bare thighs like she cares about her modesty at all. She wonders if he'll ever actually notice, or if it's going to take his mom pointing it out]

I don't know. I think it depends on your perspective.

[weirlind]

[He lets her go and stumbles back a step or two, watching her carefully in case she gets any kind of ideas of pouncing and trying to wrestle him. His eyes drifts to the way she's tugging her shirt down and he realizes that he would really like for her to pounce on him.

It's those kind of thoughts that make him not pay attention to the shirt thing.]

From yours, I'm sure it's hilarious. After all, you can just steal my hand-me-downs.

[legbreaker]

[She bares her teeth at him in a grin, liking the way he looks at her. that mix between threat, and wanting her to jump him. It makes a girl feel powerful.]

You're right. [Despite her expression, her tone is bland] I can.

[weirlind]

[God that look shouldn't be sexy on someone, shouldn't make any guy want to throw himself in the Danger Zone but... Well, it does.]

I'm wearing your shirt, aren't I?

[legbreaker]

[The grin shifts into a smirk. She doesn't actually laugh, but she doesn't need to. Her expression says it all for her.]

What clued you in?

[weirlind]

[Well, this is a little embarrassing. Not enough to make him flip out or anything. Let's be real, that's not the kind of thing that'd really put him over the edge at all.] Your face. Switch me?

[legbreaker]

[She shakes her head, still smirking] I'm comfortable like I am, thanks. [He can take hers off, though. She has no problem with that.]

[weirlind]

[He moves forward, closer to her.] I could always take the shirt off of you.

[legbreaker]

[Some people might take that as an invitation. Ellen prefers to go with challenge.] I'd like to see you try. [She means it. Bring it, ginger]

[weirlind]

[Jack knows she'd go for the challenge. He knows her. Which is why he doesn't hesitate to tackle her back onto the bed, reaching for the hem of his shirt.

Even though he's still wearing hers.]

[legbreaker]

[She's like, ninety percent sure that shirt is going to tear at some point, but the sacrifice is worth it for the way he tackles her. Not to make out or anything - or at least, not early, things kind of blur together for them these days - but as a legitimate attack.

She laughs, pleased, and rolls with the tackle. One leg wraps around his waist for leverage, and she uses the force from his movement and the bounce of the mattress to flip them both] Have to do better than that. [Her words are a little breathless as she fights with his hands, trying to tug them away from the shirt]

[weirlind]

[The shirt is definitely straining against his muscles. Hell, it was doing that before he even moved. But he's not really bothered by the idea of it ripping.

After all, it's not his shirt.

They flip, and her hands are fighting with his. Which leaves her at a bit of a disadvantage. She can go ahead and fight with one of them, because he moves one arm and presses it to her throat as he rolls them back over again, pinning her down.] I'm getting that shirt back, Ellen.

[legbreaker]

[Having an arm against her throat shouldn't be the sort of thing that gets her worked up, and if it were anyone else doing it, they wouldn't have an arm any longer.

But it's not anyone else. It's Jack. And she really likes that he can hold his own against her.] I'm not wearing anything under it. [She points this out helpfully in spite of the arm. It's not actually true, but she's hoping to distract him as she shoves at him with legs and arms and a solid buck of her torso, attempting to throw him off]

[weirlind]

I guess we're going to find out. [He gives her a sharp grin, all teeth and singular focus. He's thinking about it, sure, but she'll have to do better than that.

The good thing about being bigger than her is that he's a more solid mass of muscle. She bucks and does a good job of it, but he's not budging. His arm tightens. Not enough to choke her, but to keep her down as he ignores the way she's shoving at him.

Her hands gone mean his hand is free, and he tugs the shirt up, inch by inch, in this battle.]

[legbreaker]

[Sometimes Ellen can appreciate that Jack is bigger than her - usually when he's shirtless and working out and she's just watching, the fire in her veins there for a reason that doesn't have anything to do with fighting.

When it is to do with fighting, though? And when it starts contributing to her losing? She freaking hates that he's bigger than her. And she's not above using that fact against him.

All things considered, she does a pretty impressive rendition of choking (aided in part by the way her breath comes faster as his hand moves higher). She makes her fingers scrabble at his arm, something like panic entering her voice] Jack.

[weirlind]

[Jack's response is immediate the moment she gasps out his name like that, panic grabbing him and crawling up his throat. He didn't-

He was just-

He jerks his arm away from her throat, both hands going to her face, cupping it as he lifts her head up.] Breathe, Ellen. It's okay. I'm sorry.

[As much as Jack loves to fight, loves to win, he loves her even more.]

[legbreaker]

[The second he lets go of her, she's moving, taking advantage of the way his weight shifts to turn it against him. The hands on her face are sweet, but they're only on her face for maybe half a second before she's kicking him off her and throwing herself after him.

She pins him down, panting hard and smirking, clearly satisfied with herself] Too easy.

[weirlind]

[He's such a sucker. He should have known, to be honest.

He inhales sharply, groaning as she kicks him off and is suddenly on him. What an asshole. He bucks up against her, baring his teeth.] That was cheating.

[legbreaker]

[He should have known, which is why she doesn't feel bad at all. She might not have the same weight advantage as him, but she's got more training; her limbs are placed in the precise positions necessary to keep him down, and she's immoveable.]

That was tactics. You're an idiot. Like I'd let you choke me.

[weirlind]

Cheating. I'd never hurt you. [The words are heavy with the implication of the kinds of things he would do for her. Like killing children. That's a thing that happened, Ellen.]