masturbatorium | Happy Birthday, Commander!

[Kaidan is in Shepard's fancy ass kitchen cooking steak, because it's basically the only thing he can do. There's an open beer bottle next to him, and more in the fridge; come join him :3c]

[Shepard's just leaning against the counter, taking a long sip from her beer as she watches Kaidan. It's p. sexy when a man cooks for her, no lie.] One day, I'm going to throw you off of your game and ask you to cook something else entirely. What would you do then?

[He gives her an amused smile, bumping her with his hip a little] Hunt down some pork. Maybe some lamb chops.

[She bumps him back.] You're just a meat kind of guy, aren't you?

[Coughing lightly. There's a double entendre in there somewhere, but he's not going anywhere near it] I can make other things. You're the one who keeps buying steaks, Shepard.

[There totally is. Because this is Shepard.] I like meat, that's why. [She smirks.] And I like the way you cook steak for me.

[He shakes his head, because his girlfriend (okay that sounds juvenile as hell, but what else does he call her?) is ridiculous] If you like it so much, you should learn. C'mere. [And he's just going to reach over and tug her in front of him. His chest brushes her back, chin just over her shoulder. She gets a kiss on the cheek for the trouble of being manhandled]

[His lover? His commanding officer? Alice? But she smirks at him anyway.] Hey. No, I know- [She snorts, letting him tug her over because hey. He feels good pressed against her like that.

Doki doki.] Fine, fine. Show me your ways, Mr. Alenko.

[Wow Shepard, first names? Kaidan doesn't know if he's ready for that kind of commitment.

He gives a warm chuckle at her reaction, his arms coming around her and taking control of her hands] It's pretty easy, actually. Involves a lot of standing and watching until it's ready. [So basically this is an excuse to get his hands on her]

[He better be ready. She could give these privileges to Garrus. Or Maybe Vega...

Shepard's not really used to this sort of treatment, someone directing her instead. She's still for a moment before relaxing. This is Kaidan, after all. She trusts him, even if it's just for cooking a damn steak.] Oh, is that all? You make it look so much harder than that.

[Garrus is wandering into the kitchen because p. soon Tali is going to peer pressure him into dancing and he'd like to keep secret a little bit longer that he dances even worse than Shepard, so! Hi Kaidan :3]

Would any of that happen to be dextro-friendly?

[Tali is chillin' at the bar, which is, of course, fully stocked: more liquor than is strictly necessary, glowing shot glasses, cute little umbrellas, and ~~emergency induction ports~~ silly straws. It's no fun to drink alone, she's learned, so you should join her. :|b]

[Tali should definitely never have to drink alone.

So a recently promoted council spectre slides into the seat next to her.] You know, there used to be an old earth myth that drinking with a straw would get you buzzed faster.

What, really? [She peers at the straw in her own glass.] How would that even work?

[Have a shrug, Tali. Hell if she knows the science behind it.] You'd have to ask Chakwas. But I always thought it didn't even matter. Either you drank enough tequila to get smashed, or you didn't. [She reaches across the bar for another bottle (one more friendly to those with levo-amino acids) and a shot glass, pouring herself a shot.] You think you feel tipsy faster with that straw?

I dunno... [Still eyeing her straw, like she's suspicious of it or something. She may already be tipsy, shh.] I'd have to try drinking with and without the straw, to compare.

[For SCIENCE. And getting drunk.]

Didn't know you were a big drinker, Tali. [Says the krogan as he approaches the bar, a grin on his face. He might have had a few drinks too many already.]

[Siiiiiiiiiip from the goofy awesome straw. You bet your ass she's already tipsy.] Yeah, well. I'm learning!

Heh. Trying to catch up with the rest of us? [The idea makes him chuckle, because she's so cute and tiny.] You've got a long way to go.

Think I can't handle it, Wrex?

[No, Tali. You cannot.]

I think you'll pass out before you can make it halfway. [Heh heh heh heh.]

[He's in ur living room, calibrating ur big screen TV.

No, seriously, this thing needed a definite tint and contrast overhaul, considering the lighting scheme. Don't worry though. Garrus has got you.]

[Hands on her hips, shaking her head at him.] You come to a party, and you play with my television. I worry about you sometimes, Garrus.

It's too bad you don't have a giant gun lying around for me to play with instead. [He continues fiddling with something else behind her television, almost humming to himself.

Look this was relaxing to him, ok.] Besides, is there even any alcohol left? I thought I saw Wrex wander behind the bar.

Tell you what, Vakarian, I'll buy a giant gun just for you to play around with when you're here. How's that sound? [Oh, Garrus, you silly dinosaur.]

Are you kidding me? I have plenty hidden away just because Wrex is here.

Really? Just for me? You really do know the way to a turian's scarred heart, Shepard. [He flicks a grin her way, twisting one final tie into the wires before settling the flat-screen back against the wall.]

And that's a relief. I was afraid you might have bought less than a swimming pool's worth of Ryncol.

You know it, Garrus. I like to keep my friends happy, and I have this crazy feeling you'll all end up crashing the place more often than not. Might as well make sure you have all the fun toys to play with. [She smirks at him. She'd wink, too, if she was the winking type. She's really not.]

I know how to throw an excellent, booze-filled party, and it hurts that you'd be afraid.

Us? Crashing the place? [His voice is a dry, considering drawl, as his eyes sweep over the premises. He's still not entirely up-to-date with human euphemisms, but that phrase sounded incredibly accurate.] Not half as much as you'll probably do that yourself, but we do like to be as helpful as possible.

[He gives the TV a solid pat.] At least we'll all have a perfectly calibrated television to watch whenever we make the news. [Which was... you know, every day.] And it is a good party.

[Giving him a flat look.] I've got this strange feeling like maybe I should hire some sort of cleaning service, at the very least. I wonder if Anderson has any recommendations on that.

[A smirk.] Assuming we're here to watch the news. Gotta be out on the field in order to make it to the small screen. [Crossing her arms over her chest.] Damn right it's a good party.

More like a nuclear waste disposal service, [He comments dryly... a small part of him noting that certain plans he and Zaaed are in the process of completing make that statement a little more than a suggestion. I can ask a few buddies of mine. Believe it or not, turians are no strangers to explosive parties.

[He rolls his shoulders, the movement both a stretch and an agreement of her words.] It feels strange being out of the field, to be honest. Even when we've got downtime on the Normandy, it still feels more-- immediate, ready to go at any moment, and the like. Here-- [A pause.] I can see why civilians can almost forget there's a war going on above everyone's heads.

Well, at least the apartment was a nice idea while it lasted. [A mournful sigh.] I'll keep you suggestion in mind.

[It's a suddenly serious comment, one that gets a tight smile from her.] Probably because we're stuck on a ship that's seen more than a few battles. The fact that we're even getting this time... [It makes her feel more restless than if she was on the Normandy, waiting around. Mandatory shore leave? What's that? She's been on the go for three years without a break, unless you count that time she was dead.] Everyone needs a moment to breathe. Too much action will drive a person crazy.

It should last for at least another 18 hours. [Pause.] Or until the booze runs out. Whichever's first.

[He hadn't meant to get so serious-- he knows he does that sometimes, especially now with so much pressure on everyone's shoulders. But Shepard has a way of cutting to the chase, and there's a certain openness he has around her that isn't present with anyone else.] Yeah. I know. But I think turians are used to -- what do you humans call it? 'Winding down?'-- a bit differently than humans do.

Garrus. [Tali puts a hand on his shoulder.] This is a party, you know. We can worry about the TV later.

Wait just a minute. I'm almost done with the calibrations.

[He's teasing. Well, he's serious, but he's also teasing. He is completely aware of how much of a joke that word has become, and he has no problem running with it.]

Your precious calibrations can wait a little while, I think. [Also teasing, obvs.] Come on, I want to dance.

Dance? [That might have been a slight choking sound. One of the wires slip from his claws, but he smoothly manages to grab it before it falls very far.] ... Hasn't watching Shepard attempt to follow the music made you lose all hope at taking dancing seriously, yet?

[Ash is taking in the sights while she's still sober enough to do so-- jeez, Shepard, but you have quite the swanky pad.

Eventually she'll be starting drinking contests and/or arm wrestling competitions at the same time, though. Join her in either!]

[Jacob sure doesn't know Ashley Williams that well, but any friend of Shepard's is, well. Probably either insane or suffering, so he's in good company regardless. He knows what it's like to serve with the commander.] I'll take you on, Williams. [He rests his elbow on the table, hand extended toward her.]

You sure about that? [She arcs an eyebrow at this newcomer, then gives him a grin. She knew a little bit about Jacob, but they hadn't really been properly introduced yet.

She figured you couldn't get much better of an introduction than an arm wrestling competition, though.] Just so you know, I hold the title back home.

Positive. [He flicks a grin her way, fingers flexing. He knows enough about her to know that he respects her, especially the way she stood up for herself against Shepard. That takes guts.

Besides, this is a party, and he's got to loosen up at some point.] I'll be happy to take that off of your hands.

[Her thoughts on Jacob basically amounted to: he worked with Shepard when she couldn't, so she had to give him credit for that. Also, he'd quit Cerberus. Major bonus points, there. And now they could even become friends.

So she takes his hand, trying not to notice the fact that he had very nice arms.] I'm not so sure it's going anywhere. [Her fingers flex against his, testing, as she steadies her elbow on the table.] On three. One, two...

[He takes a deep breath, keeping his gaze evenly on her face. That was something he's noticed about Shepard's crew; they were a generally good looking bunch. At least on the human side. And the female side. He isn't really sure how to judge male aliens.]

Three. [He steadies his elbow as well, muscles flexing as he applies pressure to her hand, attempting to force it into submission.] I like the confidence.

[She responds to his strength with her own pressure; it was an easy effort, not really trying to force his hand down just yet. She is testing, holding her own as she meets his gaze with a smirk.] Part of being a soldier is the raw bravado. [Or just a certain kind of stupid that her family seemed so well-versed in.] You were Alliance once, right?

[So she's better than she looks. Jacob might have underestimated her just a tiny bit, but he's not sweating it. Not yet.] The other part is sheer stupidity, right? [He gives her an easy-going grin.] For a short period of time, yeah.

[He's no lightweight, that's for sure. The skin-tight outfit wasn't just for looks, then. Ashley would really like to say she's disappointed, given their situation, but finding out Jacob is as strong (or stronger) than he looks isn't a bad thing.

Her grip tightens on his hand, and she begins to push back, still testing.] You got it. [She exhales, the sound almost easy, like she isn't exerting much effort at all. Her eyes are strangely focused on their conjoined hands, though.] A very special kind of stupid-stubborn. Where were you stationed?

[ Guess who's got two thumbs and is a vodka shot away from table dancing? This gal.

So either get that last shot in her or take her away from the bar, idk. ]

[Shepard is literally not going to do anything, because she totally wants to see Jack make an ass out of herself.] How many have you had?

Happy Birthday, Commander!

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